Page 17 - Salesian Bulletin 2014 [01] January-March

preadolescence are loyalty and commitment added to the list.
themselves every day . Friendships are often uphill and parents as well as children have to face big and small problems in their relationships. These call for courage, determination and a sense of reality, without minimising or belittling matters.
difficulties. If they are rejected by their mates, examine the situation with your child, including what drives the other children to reject or ridicule. Then take the necessary remedies. Explain too that in life you can not please everyone, or always win (“If your mates mock you, that doesn’t mean you’re of no value.
Having a friend as a shoulder to cry on, or as a listening ear, marks the beginning of a new independence from parents. It helps dispel fears and concerns that adults struggle to understand.
Children’s sufferings are always cruelly underestimated by adults. If a child struggles to make friends, do not push it “into the fray”, but accept the child’s shyness. Invite the child’s companions home for some party and stay around. Your presence, quitely in the background, will reassure him and lead him to open up.
All friendships make us grow, even those the child refuses or in which it feels rejected. Here a parent’s task is not easy: they have to allow their children freedom of choice while keeping a firm check on them. All they have worked so hard to teach their children must pass the strictest test there is—their group of peers and friends. Parents must stay by their children, though in a progressively more discreet way and without being intrusive.
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The first way, as always, is by example. Children are inspired by the models they see. If their parents and teachers have friends, and are friendly and open, it is likely that they too will behave in a similar way. They note every detail: they notice, for example, if their parents limit themselves to a formal greeting with a stranger or engage with them with interest. They notice if they are tense and embarrassed or relaxed and enjoying themselves. They pick up at home the ruler with which they can measure the rest of the world.
If your child is bullied or isolated from the group he or she will need to acquire a skill that the other children admire. Dressing like the others or getting a particular item is sometimes enough to change the type of relationship; someone who is good at sport or music or has been successful in some school activity arouses interest and admiration. On the other hand, acquiring some expertise or succeeding in something gives you a sense of pride and enough self-esteem to put up
with any difficulties in relationships with
others.
If a child suffers in silence, your antenna should shoot up and you need to try to pick up the signals, verbal and non-verbal, that are typical of bullying, such as not wanting to go to school, becoming closed in on themselves, refusing to talk about the problem, bad grades, crying at night... Do not hesitate, and be direct: “I think someone is harming you, someone is bullying you, let’s talk.” Tell your child that you are ready to listen when they want to talk. Tell the teachers and don’t feel too responsible. Ups and downs are normal in relationships, even in those of
children. <
Parents need to know and weigh up very carefully the atmosphere that reigns in the environment outside the family, be it in school, in the neighbourhood, or in the youth club. These are the gym in which their children exercise
Approaching others also means running the risk of being criticised or rejected. A boy (or girl) who is sufficiently self-confident can face this risk and won’t get depressed at temporary
Shutterstock/Ljupco Smokovski
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